whoa, has it really been ten days since the last post? thats quite a gap, id say. to those of you who enjoy these, who check the site on a fairly consistent basis, i apologize for not writing. its not at all that there hasnt been anything to write about. i think there is always something.
ive also been sick, but thats not really the reason for my slackin', either. i went to see the doctor for symptoms that, according to my 'healthy travel: asia and india' book, pointed to a parasite or amoeba. he gave me antibiotics that slaughtered whatever it was that was thriving in my gut. i hope it died a painful death. i hope it suffered. after two weeks of not feeling normal, things are as they should be. i should tell you that God could not have provided a better place to stay during this process. (well, maybe he could have, since hes God, but you know...) we've been in a room with a close bathroom, a western toilet that flushes, a/c and really nice pillows...all for free. they recently put a tv in there for us, too. to watch american shows brings a comforting familiarity in an unfamiliar place, so its more like therapy than entertainment.
i havent been writing, i think, because of a lack of motivation. sometimes im in the mood and sometimes im not. the same goes for taking pictures. ive been carrying my camera less and less the last couple of weeks. i feel like ive been away for much longer than i actually have been. this is my first trip of this kind, and i wonder if others on similar journeys go through the same thing. im tired and have been going through a bit of a mental slump. i miss home. no specific place, anywhere in the US will do. of course i miss marshall and alaska and the people in those places. but the USA is my home, whether its connecticut, new mexico, texas or alaska. (i think, by bringing this up, im opening a huge door for a discussion that im not willing to follow through with. i will not want to explain all the aspects of this. hmmm...) so, in short, ive been wanting to be home, not here in india. im worn out. its hard to enjoy whats here when all i can think about is whats there. you may be thinking 'what? youre so lucky to be doing what youre doing, id love to be there and not here'. well, if thats you, then youre no different than me, wanting to be somewhere you arent, wanting something other than what you have. the difficult thing to do is to appreciate what we have, or where we are, when the circumstances tempt us to shift our attention elsewhere. i think this may be something we all experience from time to time. and i think the reason we will never be completely satisfied with things, no matter how good they may be, is because we were not made for this earth, but for heaven. heaven is what we long for, even if we are not aware of it. so what is 'home' anyway? what difference does it make, in the big picture, whether or not im 'here' or 'there'? is 'there' really any better than 'here'? sometimes it feels like it is. man, sometimes 'here' sucks and 'there' is dreamy. my dad told me to find the motivation, because theres too much at stake not to. whether he meant it this way or not, i took it to mean 'do what you have to do to snap out of this funk, and find the motivation you need to make what needs to happen happen.' (thanks dad) it motivates me to think of where my true home is. currently its india. more permanently its the land of the free, home of the brave, the USA. even more permanently, to the end of eternity, its heaven.
something else just popped into my head. i wish that i could long for heaven while im on this earth as i have longed for the US while in india. im not able to, sadly. maybe its because ive been to the US, lived there and know the place. ive not been to heaven. there have been days here in india when i would just sit and think of things i want to eat when i get home, things i want to do, places i want to go and people i want to see. those thoughts make me so happy that, for a brief moment, i can forget where i am. they make me feel good because its my home. in the same way that i long for the states while im in india, i should long for heaven while im on earth. because i am a christian, i should long for heaven, getting lost in thoughts of what ill do, what ill eat, who ill see and what life will be like. but its difficult to do because i havent been there. im not real sure how to solve this dilemma, but i have some ideas. this isnt where i intended for this post to go, but so what. im glad that it came up.
lately, the slump is fading away. was it satan making me sick and tired, wanting me to give in and give up? could have been. was it God giving me a glimpse of what longing for home is really like? maybe so. i like to think that satan had his part and, in the end, God used it for good.